WTF IPhone

Testing on Monkeys

Wood Zealot — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:16:16 +0000

Thinking back to my recent cube monkey post, I wonder if they ever tested cube life on Monkeys. We test everything else on them up to and including lipstick… so how hard would it be to put them in some khakis and park them in front of a monitor for 8 hours. It would be interesting to observe the exact moment when dementia sets in.

What the F IPhone!?!? We test all kinds of shit out on Monkeys… how about the dreads of a 9-5 job. If the monkeys are anything like me they will begin to throw poo at coworkers around 3pm each day.

Me at 3pm each workday.

Meatball sandwich fail

Wood Zealot — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 00:45:17 +0000

So as I pull out of my workplace parking lot, finally freed from the day’s indentured servitude, I start to call up my local pizza joint for a meatball parm sandwhich (with provolone, the other white cheese).

As I find the contact in the address book and start the dial I’m on the on-ramp to the interstate. The phone is on about it’s third ring as I look to merge into the right lane where there’s plenty of room for me…. or there was… some other driver zooms up the right lane just to eeck ahead of me and actually makes me go on the shoulder briefly as the on-ramp ended.

I of course blurt out the obligatory “nice move asshole!” to which I hear “uhhh, helllllo?”. Seriously IPhone… you can’t screen out random cursing that obviously was not intended for the pizza shop girl?!? WTF IPhonel?!?!

What do you have against people that work in pizza places?!? Do they not have emotions?? Do they not know how to spit and expel other stuff that could be put on the food of people that irritate them? Thanks for having my back… I wish I could share this unusually-tangy meatball sandwich with you!

Now that's a spiiicy meat'a'balla!

It’s a Monday

Wood Zealot — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:57:38 +0000

It’s the first Monday since this blog has been launched. Are you listening IPhone? It is a MONDAY… you don’t seem to be picking up what I am putting down. For a device so adept at communication I’m perplexed by how you continue to miss the message.

In a perfect world Mondays would not exist. I went to bed last night expecting it to be Saturday when I awoke from my slumber. I cannot express how crestfallen I was to see that it was a Monday and since I had not set my alarm for work I was forced to burn a vacation day. WTF IPhone?!?

I hope I was clear enough… let’s not have a repeat of this oversite tommorrow which previously had been known as “Tuesday”.

Marinating clothes in the washer

Wood Zealot — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 20:02:20 +0000

Time to do the weekly laundry and the basket is not to be found. My stomach sinks a bit as I realize the only place it would be otherwise is in the laundry room where… uggghh, where it means that I would have forgotten a load from last weekend.

So I’m hoping the forgotten load was in the dryer as opposed to the washer. I mean it’s a 50/50 shot right? Course, I’m reminded of the 50/50/90 rule that I learned about in the military. If there’s a 50/50 chance of something happening, the less desirable outcome will occur 90% of the time.

The rule proved correct. Opening the lid of the washer released a nowhere-near-pleasant fragrance.

Smelly clothes

What’s the deal IPhone? I can use you to track that status of things in Malaysia, but my laundry room is off limits??? WTF IPhone!

One other note IPhone, if I find out someday that you aren’t cleaning my lint filter there is going to be hell to pay.

Cube monkeys in the mist

Wood Zealot — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:28:58 +0000

I’m a cube monkey working with and amongst many other cube monkeys.

My daily fear is how hot will my cube get. I’m on the second floor. The first and third floors are always cool as well as the stairwells and elevator. The bathrooms are even pleasant (in temperature… the smell will generally make you wish that we had only 4 senses). Actually most of my floor is cool. It just so happens that my corner of the building is constantly going supernova (if going supernova means it gets really hot).

So what’s the deal IPhone? How am I supposed to feign work in this kind of heat? You are incredibly smarter than a thermostat yet remain unwilling to communicate with your electronic brethren. I realize that your transistors can tolerate the heat but can you think about the human experience for once?

I think we all know what happens when cube monkeys get overheated… and that is anything that best takes their minds off the heat. I don’t think anyone needs any visuals so WTF IPhone!?!? Cool this beyatch down!

In case you do want the visual

Quake Dis

Wood Zealot — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:49:12 +0000

WTF IPhones!?!?!?

So my friend, who also has an IPhone, makes me go to Quake Live to get some old’ school quaking in and low and behold he plays in full CTF’s the entire time. So both his douche-bag IPhone and my douche-bag IPhone decided to have me sitting and waiting for whatever Quake Live scraps I can get. WTF IPhones!?!?!?

Microwave clock off by three minutes

Wood Zealot — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:50:15 +0000

I noticed today that my microwave clock is off by three minutes. My Iphone will gleefully show me the accurate time but has no interest in pointing out that the microwave clock is off… I guess my IPhone does not care if I missed the first 3 minutes of “Saved by the Bell”…. WTF IPhone!?!